Factory Reset

4.15.25

I had an eventful week, to say the least.

I’ll spare the details, but I had some concerns that led me to get a colonoscopy this past week. This is obviously something I haven’t done before, and it was not a pleasant experience.

What was a pleasant experience was my mom flying in to take care of me. The stretch of time after Christmas and before Easter is such a long time to go without seeing family, so it felt like way too long since we’d hung out last. She always helps revitalize me, physically and mentally.

Clearing out my system to prep for the procedure was an interesting time. The night prior to my liquid diet, I treated myself to a plate from Panda Express. And since I stay up late and sleep in late, I didn’t even eat the light breakfast I was allowed. The only liquids I had were water, so I went 24 hours just on water. It wasn’t very difficult until around 10 p.m., when I usually eat a big dinner. At that point, every food commercial felt like cruel and unusual punishment. I had to take the prep pills at 5 p.m. and 4 a.m., so naturally, I just stayed up until 4 a.m. I had to be up by 8 a.m., and I think I slept for an hour.

By the time I got to the surgery center, I was hangry and sleep-deprived, so very overwhelmed by the situation—especially when I got the bill. When it was finally time for me to go into the surgery room, the female anesthesiologist and the women nurses in the room put my mind at ease. With our current political climate these days, it just feels better to be taken care of by women.

After the procedure, I was given the all-clear. One less thing I have to worry about, and thankfully, I don’t have to get another one until I’m 40. My mom took me to breakfast, and I’ve never been more thankful for food. Later that night, we also got Thai food with my roommate, which was delicious and nourishing. Even though it was a Friday during Lent, I felt my complete fast the day prior made it okay to get chicken pad Thai!

The spiritual intention behind fasting became a subject of interest to me after this experience. I get a lot of TikTok reiki healers and tarot readers on my For You page, and one thing that stuck out to me was a woman who said that the way our body gets negative energy out of our system is, more or less, by shitting it out. I didn’t think much of it—I thought it was funny. But what was also funny was how much lighter and in better spirits I felt after my fasting and feasting experience, almost like a factory reset for my body—and maybe my energy too. Lord knows I went through a lot the past couple of years, and especially the prior summer, and a part of me feels like I didn’t just clean out my system when I did that prep. Maybe I had some bad energy clogged in there, too, that finally found its release. (Disclaimer: this is not medical advice, and I am not a doctor; I am just a little bit woo-woo.)

There is also something to be said about going through a tough situation (being on the toilet all night hungry and emptying out your insides), and then the next day, getting your health worries put to rest, getting to eat again, getting a nice nap after a night of no sleep, and having your mom there to take care of you and do some fun activities. That would also rationally leave someone feeling refreshed.

The Sunday after my colonoscopy, I had a writer’s round. It was Taylor Swift–themed, so that was fun. I got to play three originals and one Taylor cover. I’m not sure if it was the new boots my mom got me, or my outfit and makeup coming together, but I took a few selfies on the deck before I headed to the show, and the pictures I took looked a lot like the me I was before I went through the hardships of last summer. For the first time in a long time, I recognized myself again, as if the fasting experience had helped me be reborn—or finally rise from the ashes like a phoenix. It was a good feeling.

The round went really well. I was happy with my rendition of the Taylor song, and I also played a couple of newly written songs that the audience responded well to.

I’d say I feel like my old self again, but that isn’t quite right, because I feel like a new self. A stronger, more self-assured, more sturdy version of that old self I used to be. It’s a great feeling.

I’m writing this post in the sky, as I’m on my way to Austin for a conference with my day job. Going on a business trip always makes me feel so adult. And who knows! Maybe in a city like Austin, some music opportunities are waiting for me. Maybe it’s the catalyst for my big break.

I feel like I’m on the cusp of some major success, and I haven’t felt this way in a while. I’m still being challenged, but I think I’m also being prepared. I’m optimistic for the first time in a while, and this reborn me is more confident in my ability to hang in there and take everything in stride. I have this sense of knowing that things are going to come together for me—I just don’t know the how yet.

5.15.25

I saw Beyoncé tonight. My life is forever changed.

I wanted—no, needed—to see her. One, because she’s a living legend, and two, as inspiration for my own career. She’s one of the best performers to ever do it, and her caliber of show is something I want to achieve one day. I want to learn from the best, and experiencing a show like this is exactly how to do it—and boy, did she not disappoint.

I took the train from the burbs downtown to meet up with my friends before the show. It was supposed to start at 7, but as we got drinks at a nearby restaurant, we read online that due to the incoming severe weather, the earliest she’d start the show was 9 p.m. Luckily we were notified of this before going into the stadium, because those who were already there had to just hunker down and wait it out. We just got a few more rounds of drinks.

Once 8 o’clock was approaching, we walked down to Soldier Field. When we got there, they weren’t letting anyone into the stadium. Having anticipated this show for so long, I was getting anxious that it might be cancelled, and that would have been heartbreaking. We ended up hiding out in the parking lot as the big storm rolled in. It poured rain, thundered, and lightninged, and thankfully, eventually it stopped. We were finally permitted to enter, and I was ecstatic when I scanned my ticket and got into the stadium. They still weren’t letting people to their seats, which worked out for me because I got to take a final bathroom break and buy a T-shirt.

Once I was finally allowed to my seat, they still hadn’t let people onto the floor yet, so it was going to take some time. I used that time to observe the crew and sets and think about how difficult it must be to put on a production of this size with all the moving parts on a normal day—let alone after a big thunderstorm just ripped through and drenched the stage and all the equipment. It’s amazing how they were still able to keep Beyoncé and all of the dancers safe.

She finally got going around 10:30 p.m., and didn’t cut a single song. I stayed on my feet in my red sparkle cowgirl boots the entire show (which I paid for later but didn’t feel in the moment), and overall had a blast. A lot of the visuals for the show touched on her career through the years, particularly before she sang 16 Carriages, and she flew around the entire stadium on a car (she said later she wanted to see every single one of us).

She also sang some throwback songs that I learned to love in grade school, like Irreplaceable and If I Were a Boy. I was really happy for little me at that moment. The fact that I’m seeing her at such a height, and am going for my dreams and aspiring for the same, meant a lot.

After the show ended, we were corralled through the streets of Chicago to find a place to get an Uber pickup. My feet were not happy, but my heart was. This was my main takeaway from the night:

One day, I want to be able to create an experience worth waiting for like that. An experience worth the extra hours through the rain on a weekday, when it goes till 3 a.m., and people are still there even though they have work the next morning. That’s how you know you’ve made it, in my opinion—when you create something people are so excited about that they won’t let anything stop them from seeing you, and vice versa. Beyoncé not only didn’t cancel her show, she also didn’t give an ounce less. You could see the gratitude on her face.

I’d also like to have a career where people are able to love and connect to my music for that long. If Beyoncé is someone to aspire to, then the sky is the limit—no matter the weather it throws at you.

5.26.25

I’m in a place where I can confidently say I am better off than I was a year ago.

I’ve been able to hold a job, and I have a new car. I successfully filed for bankruptcy, so most of my debt is poof—gone. I’m single and not sad about it—not going through a breakup for the first time in two summers. I feel like I can breathe without someone standing on my chest for the first time since probably 2020.

I’ve been focusing much of this year on my live show, and that’s something I’m going to continue to do. I need to let myself breathe a bit (and pay off my car) before I can make any more major investments in recording music. If I’m going to spend money, it’s going to be to promote what I already have. I do have release plans in the works (including two potential albums), and I’m always planning—but for now, I’m going to allow myself to do something I haven’t since I started this journey: breathe.]

I deserve this summer. I deserve to just kick back and have fun after all I’ve been through. So for the next month or so, I’m going to put my music on the back burner and just enjoy being a civilian.

Does that mean I’m gonna stop doing music completely? Of course not—I couldn’t if I tried. And I have a couple of surprises up my sleeve. I think for this year, though, the difference is I’m consciously going to make it manageable. For most of my music career, I’ve taken big gambles and pushed myself to the brink. I don’t apologize for that—I think it’s what I needed to get myself going. But this next phase of my career is now going to be about creating something sustainable, and it’s an exciting new chapter for me.

Things are in the works, and there’s exciting stuff and new music to come. But for now, I’m going to enjoy the fleeting months of summer for all they have to offer, and allow myself to celebrate how far I’ve come and how much I’ve made it through.