01.09.23
I’m feeling anxious tonight.
This really is my first week back. My first week where I have to face my reality and work extremely hard just to stay afloat. The first week where I can’t afford to make a mistake or slack off in any capacity.
There is a part of me that feels like I won’t be able to do it. That I’ll fail at my new job and my music won’t come out and I’ll let everyone down, myself the most. I’m trying to soldier through those thoughts.
My to-do list feels overwhelming. I’m not sure how I am going to catch up with all the bills I’m behind on. I’m not sure if my new job even makes enough for me to ever catch up.
My sleep schedule has been an ongoing issue and last week I was exhausted every day. Everyone keeps telling me I have the power to change it but none of them know how hard it is. The only thing making it manageable right now is caffeinated beverages, which I guess is how the rest of the world runs, but it doesn’t feel healthy.
Speaking of healthy, I’ve been wanting to unironically do the new years thing where I vow to start working out and eating better. The truth is since the pandemic I’ve not been very good to my body. Back then the excuse was surviving the pandemic, but it’s really time to get back into shape.
I am all for the body-neutral movement, so for the most part, this is just about health. I know I can eat less junk food and work out more. I know those things will make me feel better and stronger, and contribute to higher quality and length of life. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it was a bit superficial too.
Being a girl sucks. From the moment I was old enough to notice, I always found things not to like about my physical appearance. When I was younger, it was acne and not having the boobs/hips/butt that made a girl “hot.” I was skinny though, I had a stomach as flat as can be and even visible abs at one point. It was something I’d be constantly complimented on by my girlfriends, so if nothing else, I had that to feel good about. It felt like it was my thing, so it was easily wrapped up in my perception of self. I’ve had my fair share of insecurities, but my weight was never one of them.
Nowadays though that’s not the case. This is the first year I’ve genuinely looked at myself in pictures and not liked the way my body looks. I see that girl and I don’t see myself. I have gained a lot of weight. I don’t feel good in the tight-fitted clothes and crop tops that used to be a staple in my closet. I’ve had to donate a lot of clothes I otherwise liked because they don’t fit me anymore. This is something I haven’t had to do since I was a kid growing out of things.
I’m trying my best to be kind to myself while also encouraging myself to be healthy. I know I’m never going to look like my 16-year-old self again, and I shouldn’t. I’m 26. My body is different and that’s ok.
At the same time, I should be working out and eating right for the good of my health if nothing else. I want to feel strong. I want to have stamina, I know that will do me good on stage. I want to be putting nutrients into my body and not fried fast food that’s going to clog up my arteries. If I was doing everything right and still gaining weight I would treat it more as something to accept, but I’m not sure if that’s the case here. I think I can do better, and I’m going to try. It just sucks that the music industry is also so image-based. I can’t deny the fact that I want to better fit the beauty standard as well.
The thing is, having to work overtime to get my finances back in order is going to take up a lot of my time, and trying to get on a morning work schedule is going to mean I’m exhausted most days until (if ever) I adapt. On top of that, I’ve got to keep the ball rolling on my music stuff if I want to release my EP on time.
I have a feeling my health/fitness is going to take a backseat for now, but I’ll do my best. The reality is it’s not like I can pay to go grocery shopping for high-quality foods or for a gym membership right now. I currently have -236 dollars. Health and wellness do not favor the poor.
I’m going to do what I can to establish a routine and hopefully, once I get into a rhythm I can work these things in. the reality is nothing else can move forward until I stabilize myself financially.
It’s currently 1:30 am. I’m going to take a shower, take a sleep aid and make myself do good tomorrow. I don’t have another choice.
01.17.22
Today I feel like I’m not drowning anymore, but I am trending water pretty hard.
I am still behind on some loan payments, and without my new debit card, I can’t buy gas to go door-dashing. But even in this position with my new job, I feel like my finances are at least on their way to stabilizing.
I was able to get through my first in-person week of work, which started at 8:30 am every morning with one 6:20 am start time. I was on time every day. Was I well rested? Certainly not. But my determination prevailed. I know I won’t get on a good sleep schedule overnight but I’m hoping to work my way down to 1 am at least.
This is the final push for my EP. I was able to raise the funds for my song mastering on Kickstarter which is good, I will have music to put out, but there’s still a lot left to do. My producer got some mixes back to me yesterday and it’s sounding good for the most part. Now I have to film a music video and get the cover art designed. On my agenda this weekend was editing my interview videos and filling out the PR agency questionnaire and I did that, so I can feel accomplished.
I need to earn enough money to dig myself out of a hole and be able to spend some on music promo by March. I’m not sure if I can do it but I’m going to try. I also need to try and plan a release show. I also need to get my car to the shop and get that sensor checked out.
The to-do list never ends, but I feel a lot less like I’m careening over a cliff. I even made it to the gym and for a walk in the park this week. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than I was, and I deserve to feel happy about that.
01.19.23
I feel good today, so this post is going to be brief.
I feel like I’m finally on top of things. I made it to work on time and I got decent sleep last night. I didn’t need a nap. I’ve made some progress with my finances (although that is going to be a long journey, I feel optimistic) I had an incredible meeting with my PR agency and for the first time in a while feel energized and excited about my upcoming release instead of stressed. I also worked out today.
I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I feel like the pace has quickened in my life but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can keep up. I enjoy the thrill of it. I hope to hold on to this feeling.
I saw this thing on TikTok that I’ve been implementing called the “lucky girl syndrome.” It’s basically where you notice every good thing that happens to you and acknowledge it with the thought, “wow, I’m so lucky! Good things are always happening to me!” It’s a way to manifest more positivity in life. I’ve been testing it out and so far it’s working.
01.22.23
Another brief post because I don’t have bad news to lament about.
Yesterday I filmed my music video for Dandelion and I could not be more excited. There’s something about getting hair and makeup done and being on set that feels magical. I feel out of place and confused most of the time, but this is the one thing in my life that has always made sense.
The venue my director found was amazing, it fit the vibe perfectly. This was my first time filming with a larger team of people and it made me feel really legit.
It was cold, but I wasn’t feeling it. The glow of everything coming together kept me warm.
This is the most me song I’ve ever written and I am so glad it’s getting the video and recognition it deserves. I don’t want to give away too much here, but I’m so grateful for all of the talented people that came together to work on this and bring it to life. I can’t wait ❤️
01.30.23
I had a great show Saturday. I wish I had taken the time to write about the high I was feeling that night.
But alas, I didn’t. And here I am instead sick and feeling overwhelmed.
The beginning of the month is always a stressful time because it’s when rent is due. I’m going to make rent this month but I can’t afford any of my other loan and credit card bills. I feel terrible and don’t have the capacity to deal with that today. Maybe tomorrow.
It’s also time to send my music off to be mastered. I’m scared and finding little issues with everything and freaking out. I think I’m just scared to finally be done. At least I’m recognizing it in myself. I need to stop messing with it because I’m just going to create new problems.
I’ve slept most of the day. Being sick is not how I wanted to start the week strong, but it’s something I had to deal with. Im glad I took the time to rest, I think it will make me more productive one term. Tomorrow is a new day.
01.31.23
I didn’t think we’d end the month like this cause a lot of good things happened this month but we’re feeling very hopeless once again.
The fact of the matter is I can’t keep up. I have a full-time job and it’s still not enough. I’m exhausted and I have to work double the amount anyway. I can’t afford to quit or even slow down.
So what I’m doing is crying and freaking out and feeling overwhelmed and still going because there is no other option.
I raised enough money on Kickstarter to pay for my masters but the money won’t actually be available to me for another two weeks. I can’t get my masters if I can’t pay for them so it looks like my release is getting delayed again. Nobody knows these dates but me so this is not a big deal but it feels like a failure nonetheless. It feels like the more I delay, the greater the chances increase for this music project never to come together.
Even if it does come together, I have no money left for playlist pitching, which is one of the most important things when it comes to marketing and I should have figured out a way to get that money into another account sooner.
Honestly, I would have done so much differently if I could go back. Maybe I wouldn’t have tried to take on such a big feat in the first place.
Everything is blowing up in my face. By the time it comes out, I feel like I won’t even be happy, I’ll just be relieved that I don’t have to do it anymore. Then I’ll be done.
When I came here I decided to go all in and see if I did whatever it takes if I could make it. I feel at this point I’ve given all there is to give. I can’t spread myself any thinner to make this happen.
I don’t see my music getting very far considering I lack the means to promote it properly. Maybe the PR will do what it takes but I’m not optimistic. I would have made a lot of different choices if I could go back. I’d be more strategic, instead, I got carried away like I always do.
I’m sad. I’m going to try to push through as much as I can because I don’t have another choice but it feels pointless. Maybe that’s the epitome of the human experience. We’re doomed to fail and die one day but we try anyway because we feel called to do so.
Yet there are plenty of people who make it in this town, people who I started out alongside and who are now doing much better than I am. Maybe the cold hard truth is that I was never meant to be one of those people. I’m not talented or rich or lucky enough and that just is what it is.
I had fun I really did. I can’t keep living like this though.
I think back to the lyrics of my song Rome, “life gives you two choices, give it up or you could get tough instead.”
Getting tough is a lot harder than it used to be. I’m much more inclined to give up at this point.
I’m going to finish what I started, cause it wouldn’t make sense to stop now. But once that’s out I’m not sure what the future holds. If I’m going to keep doing this I need another formula because all I’ve done is dig myself further and further into a hole and act stressed and surprised when it becomes harder and harder to get out.
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