Yesterday I woke up really disappointed in myself. The night prior I stayed up till around 7 AM, making a PowerPoint for a Tiktok and editing a YouTube video, among other things. I forgot that I had an interview call the next morning for a job as an usher at the Ryman Auditorium. Well, having gone to bed at 7 AM, I must have hit snooze in my sleep or set my alarm clock wrong because I didn’t wake up. I missed the call, for a second time.
This isn’t such a huge deal. It was another low paying job that I’d have to pair with something else, and with covid surging, not exactly the day job I’m wanting to have right now. Still, I saw it as an opportunity to do something music related, and a day job I could do in the evening. All I had to do was wake up for a call and I couldn’t. My stupid body clock foils me again.
I’m headed back to Nashville Saturday morning.
After feeling down on myself for a bit, I had dinner with my family and my mom showed me this cute comedy show on CBS about ghosts (it's called ghosts.) It really took my mind off of things which was nice.
I have a lot looming over mg head right now. I’ve got to make enough to pay rent next month and somehow keep my EP alive and I’m not sure if I have the resources to do it.
I decided I’m going to postpone worrying about it until I get back to Nashville. I'm going to let myself be present with my family and just enjoy these next two days. I know I’m capable and I know I’ve overcome worse before. I’m just not as energized as I was when I first moved to Nashville. I need to recharge.
Tonight I decided not to fight my bad habits or try to make an extra $50. I didn’t even finish editing the rest of my YouTube video. I stayed up binge watching the ghost show because for a brief moment, it made me feel better.
I know I’ll inevitably have to take on the challenges ahead. I know it won’t be easy. It feels like the calm before the storm, which is why I elected to enjoy the calm while I can. Is it just procrastination? I don’t know, but in this moment it feels like the right thing to do. I guess we’ll find out.
I’m back in Nashville, and back into a bit of a flow.
Since returning I’ve slowly but surely started to get my shit together (even as my suitcase still lays unpacked in my room next to a pile of clothes.)
This week I’ve been attending all of the cowrites I rescheduled from December. It’s been going well. I’m also recording a demo tomorrow and work on my EP has resumed.
I've also been doing more food delivery with DoorDash and Uber Eats. Although I know it’s not a long term solution, it feels good to have the agency to put money in my pocket again, at my own time. I’ve been going late at night, which is super convenient because there’s hardly any traffic at that time, but my sleep schedule is still off the rails. I’m working my way back to waking up at noon.
I feel like things in my personal life as far as friends/relationships go are going great. I also feel like my music activity is picking back up (although I still haven’t been practicing guitar.) the only thing that’s really missing is sufficient funds. I got one of my student loans paused and I feel like DoorDash will get me through the month. I also still have some credit left. Still, I know I need more to finish paying for my EP. No such luck on the job search of when it comes to getting unemployment.
Dolly Parton just released a new song called Big Dreams and Faded Jeans. Coincidentally it's all about
a girl moving to Nashville to follow her big dreams.
May the stars that fill my eyes Guide my path and be my light And may God provide the means To accomplish my big dreams, my big dreams
That felt like a nice sign.
Today was rough.
It started out good, I actually went to bed at a reasonable time (for me which is 3 AM) and got up around 11 AM. Progress! I then went to my producers place to record a demo for a song my co-writers and I wanted to pitch. One of them has a publishing deal which is exciting. The track turned out great, although I did find myself getting antsy and a bit tired during the session.
Afterwards, I thought I was going to make a lot delivering food because it’s normally busy on the weekends. I also felt pressure to make enough because due to the incoming snowstorm I probably won’t be able to do it this weekend.
Well what happened instead is every restaurant I went to had long wait times. I kept canceling orders to go somewhere else but the next place would still had a long wait. At the end of the night I ended up only making three deliveries for about $15. In. Three. Hours.
I’ve got time to make the money I need for the month, but it’s running out. I’m not doing anything to reduce my debt or save for my EP or be able to pay for things like my voice lessons. I thought I’d hear back from another job by now. I’m feeling really discouraged.
In times like these I feel lucky to have people in my life who will still be encouraging, who still give me reason to believe in myself. I know how to fight through these feelings on my own, I’ve done it before, but it’s a lot easier when you don’t have to do it alone.
I’m going to enjoy my weekend, stay out of the snow, and figure it out on Monday.
Well things are grinding to a halt for me as of now. I’m sick. Yuck.
I had planned to bust my butt DoorDashing this week to make the money I need for my rent and credit card payment. That hasn’t happened. Instead I’ve been in bed with body aches, nausea, and now a cough. I took an at home covid test that came back negative, but regardless I’m not feeling great.
This only adds to my stress. I once again had to postpone my demo recording that I was supposed to finish up, as well as two cowrites I had scheduled. It always seems like right as I’m about to get a rhythm going life throws me for a loop again.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have a $149 credit card payment due on the 21st and $50 to my name at this point, not to mention rent coming up.
I’m still sick today, but it's not as bad. I’m spending most of my time in my room.
I had the chance to connect with some co-writers of mine to go over a song we were working on together. It was a nice break from reality for my mind, but they also offered me a lot of advice and encouragement.
If you’re new to Nashville or even if you’ve been here a minute, I can't stress enough how important it is to have a supportive community of other artists behind you. The two women I wrote with have found certain success and they inspire me. They make me feel like I don’t need to worry about running out of time to achieve everything I want to. Female mentorship and representation is important.
Welp, turns out after trying to avoid it for the past two years, I have covid.
I started not feeling well about a week ago, but figured it was just a side effect to an antibiotic I had been taking for another issue. However when those side effects didn’t go away and I started to develop congestion and a cough, I feared something might be up.
The initial at home covid test coming back negative gave me a sign of relief. I figured what I’d caught was some other type of bug. It seemed unlikely to be covid because I was double vaxxed, boosted, hadn’t been going out much and had recently been wearing a Kn95 mask whenever I was in public.
I stayed mostly confined to my room and wore a mask around my apartment just to be safe. I spent a lot of time binge watching anime, drinking hot tea and sleeping. I had a fever for a couple of days that eventually resolved. By the time I went to go get a more official covid test, I was fever free and feeling better. In fact, once I got back what I was sure would be a negative result, I had planned to go to my boyfriend’s place.
I had just gotten out of the shower when I got the email from Walgreens. “great!” I though, my results are in. I thought I may have had to wait, which meant I couldn’t go out. I clicked on it and had to do a double take. There it was in big red letters. POSITIVE.
This not only ruined my plans that day, but also the peace of mind I’d had over the last week. In hindsight, I think it was probably better for my mental health to believe I didn’t have covid, seeing is even in my state of feeling better I was starting to get anxious and imagine the worst. Images of cold hospital rooms and beeping ventilators flashed across my mind. Dying of covid alone in the hospital has been a reality for many people across the world over the past two years, and is in my opinion one of the most terrifying ways to go.
Thankfully it doesn’t seem like that will be the case for me. The vaccines did for me what they have been doing for many, reducing the full effects of the virus to something inconvenient you can manage at home with a little rest, drinking fluids and a Tylenol every once in a while.
I do worry about what is to come. Thankfully I never lost my smell or taste, which had become a devastating long haul system for a lot of people. My main concern right now are my lungs, which I need for singing. I have a lingering cough and a bit of a horse voice, and I’m trying to tell myself that it will only be temporary, that it will go away like it usually does with other illnesses, but truthfully I don’t know. I don’t mean to be dramatic, and it seems a bit wrong to be worrying about this when others have suffered so much more and would give anything for a little cough to be their only issue, but my voice and my lungs are a huge part of my livelihood. If I was unable to make music the same, I’m not sure what I would do with myself. I know I could always keep writing but still, my hopes and dreams and a huge part of my happiness depend on my voice being able to function properly.
I’m trying not to catastrophize, but it’s hard. I think it’s a survival instinct, but I’d prefer for my mind to remain optimistic or at the very least, unbothered. Truth is though, even with all the protection I’ve had from vaccines, I don’t know what health implications or long term complications I could be looking at down the line. This scares me, but I know there’s no sense in worrying about what I can’t foresee or control. My only job is to get better and then live life to the fullest after that for as long as I can.
I’m frustrated that I even have to deal with these thoughts, because if everyone had just worn masks in 2020 and gotten vaccinated as soon as they could, we wouldn’t still be dealing with covid and all the pain it can cause. Instead, idiots are holding anti mandate rallies and trying to get even less restrictions. We wouldn’t need restrictions if people weren’t so selfish and stupid in the first place. How hard is it to care about others? To be mildly inconvenienced so that someone else doesn’t die, or lose a love one, or become disabled for the rest of their lives? I’ll truly never understand it and I’ve never be more disappointed in humanity.
As of right now, I don’t have enough money to pay my rent. I was supposed to be DoorDashing every day this week, but could not due to being sick and not wanting to endanger others. Ironically, it’s likely DoorDahsing and being inside restaurants with unmasked people that may have exposed me to covid in the first place, who knows. But the fact that I am unable to work to support myself, even though I want to because people couldn’t do their help to get this virus under control years ago is very frustrating. I’m going to have about four days to come up with $800. I’m likely going to have to put some of my rent on my credit card. After that? Who know. I’m trying to stay optimistic but it gets harder each day.
What’s funny is I think I really did need the rest and recuperation regardless. I almost felt relieved when I was sick because it meant that I wouldn’t be required to do anything else. After a week of being in my room I am starting to feel restless again, but having had no other obligation than to rest, something really interesting happened. My sleep schedule corrected itself. For the past 4 days now, even one without the use of nighttime cold medicine, I’ve been waking up around 8 AM.
I’m not sure what the future holds for me financially. I’m getting paid to help a fellow artist with social media as well as helping another client with podcast editing and copywriting, so maybe it’s about time I try to do freelancing full time, seeing as working for other people never seems to work out. This also feels very daunting though, as I don’t really understand the record keeping and financial side of running a business. It also feels inconsistent and like it requires a lot of initiative and energy that I might not necessarily have. Honestly who knows. I’m just trying to do what I can to make it through the next month. I am having to cancel my voice lessons indefinitely, which is a huge blow because these have helped me become a better singer and I really wanted to use them to get in shape for my EP. I know I need to be more disciplined and practice on my own, but it’s easier said than done. Perhaps I need to stop making excuses and blaming my circumstances and just figure it out. It just feels like whenever things start going well something else throws me off course again.
I’ve actually been feeling pretty good over the last couple of days resting and recuperating, but now I’m feeling restless and a bit stir crazy. I’m ready to get out of my room. My stress over the approaching end of month rent payment is also weighing heavily on me.
Well, today sucked already.
Last night I fought off sleep to finish up some freelance work I was doing, only to not be able to export it, spending hours on the phone with Adobe support before finally giving up around 5 AM because my body couldn’t stay awake. Then I slept until 3 PM. There goes my newfound normal sleep schedule.
I’m mad at the world but I’m also mad at myself. I could have worked on this earlier in the day so it’s ultimately my fault, but also why can’t things just work the way they’re supposed to?
It’s funny how my body seems to be able to function in the morning when work isn’t involved.
I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don’t feel like I have the organizational skills to try and start a consulting business and I honestly don’t even enjoy doing social media anyway. I also don’t like the time constraints of having to answer to someone else. But also, I need money to live. I have $33 in my bank account right now, no vegetables beyond arugula in my fridge and rent due in six days. I should be out DoorDahsing but it also feels unethical to do until I'm ten days past covid sick, not 5.
Im tired of sitting in my room. I want to be able to sit and eat in the living room without a mask on. I know I only have to wait a couple more days but I'm going crazy in here.
I did just recently make some soy sauce noodles that were pretty good. I also have an amazing boyfriend who got me a bunch of feel better gifts. Maybe I just need to shift my focus to the things I'm grateful for.
I’m feeling really discouraged.
I have an interview for a pizza deliver job on Friday. This is not where I want to be, but it’s been a month and I’ve been unable to achieve anything else.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads when it comes to finding a day job. I have no motivation or energy to succeed in a role that comes with a lot of expectation or responsibility, so I can understand why I’m not getting hired at these places. But I’m also going to need to be making more than minimum wage. I also don’t want to be driving my car that much, but I don’t know where else to turn. All of my money is gone so it I want to have a place to live or keep my EP project alive, I have to work somewhere. And these less than ideal service industry jobs seem to be the only ones willing to give me a chance.
I’m really disappointed because I did miss some opportunities. I missed my interview to usher at the Ryman twice because I didn’t wake up for it. I also had some really good interviews I thought might materialize into something, but I never got a call back. I followed up today as a last ditch effort but it isn’t looking promising.
I just feel like finding a remote job that doesn’t overwork me and is mildly enjoyable doesn’t seem like an impossible goal. A lot of people have done it, so why can’t I?
I really don’t mind driving for DoorDash and Uber eats but I can not take the frustration of not knowing where to park and restaurants not having my order ready when I get there. That’s why I applied to the pizza place. But I also don’t think I’ll be happy doing that five days a week and still not making enough, so I’m at a loss.
It feels as though I’m either going to have enough money to do what I need to do or I’m going to be happy, but I can’t have both. I know this is wrong but I don’t know how else to feel right now.
I’m lucky my parents are giving me some covid relief funds this month, or I’d be screwed. I haven’t made enough to cover rent without using my credit card. I need what’s left on my credit card to keep my EP alive.
Maybe I just feel off because my body is still fatigued. Every little thing feels daunting and exhausting. Even taking baby steps to start learning guitar, which I was proud of myself for doing yesterday.
I want to be optimistic, but it feels bleak. I know these feelings are only temporary and the reality is I have a lot of privileges and opportunities, but it all feels so impossible. I wish I had the energy to give myself an attitude adjustment or a pep talk, but I just don’t.
I’m going to go finish recording a demo today. I’m not looking forward to it because I feel like my voice is going to sound bad, and I still have a cough, but I have to get this done.
Sometimes pushing on in spite of the overwhelming desire to stay in bed the only thing you can do.
Yesterday was rough.
I went to my producers to record a demo for a song I co-wrote with two other talented writers in town. We’ve had to reschedule a lot so I really just wanted to get in there and get it done.
I’m feeling better but I still have some lingering covid symptoms. One being a cough and overall just being mucusy and tired.
While we were recording I sounded really pitchy. I’d like to blame it on the covid symptoms but I honestly don’t know. Maybe it’s because I haven’t kept up with practicing my singing. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been playing out live. All I know is I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on voice lessons and feel like I should have been able to get through some ailments without sounding horrible. That wasn’t the case. It makes me feel like I wasted all that money, not because I didn’t have a great teacher, but because I haven’t done the work to keep my skills up. It makes me really nervous for recording my EP. It feels like I’m my own worst enemy. At the end of the day it’s my fault I can’t get or keep a good job, or sing well, or play guitar, or create the type of content that blows up, or learn how to monetize my social media better. I just wish I had the fighting spirit that I used to, but I feel so burned out and tired all the time, that doing the bare minimum zaps up all of my energy and effort. I don’t know how to stay motivated when I feel like I’m just going through the motions, still not scraping by, and get hit with things like covid just when I’m about to make some progress. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I just want to be past this part.
I am proud of myself for getting through the session even though I wanted to cry and go home. Sometimes that’s just gunna have to count as an accomplishment. Once I did the verses decent enough to be pitch corrected I just tried to focus on having fun and not taking myself too seriously. I just accepted the fact that I wasn’t doing well and trusted that my producer would be able to work his magic on it. I tried not to feel bad about that. I'd love to be able to come in and have everything sound good and make his job easy on him, but today just wasn’t going to be one of those days. In those instances you just have to trust that the people you're working with aren’t being as judgmental about it as you are being to yourself.
I had planned to go drive for Uber eats/Doordash after the session, but by the time it was over I was completely exhausted, so I just drove home. Should I have powered through it? I can’t say. I was falling asleep in my chair so I think it wouldn’t have been very safe. Still, the money isn’t going to make itself and I have a car payment due on the 2nd. I need my credit card money to keep my EP going so I need to stop thinking I have that to fall back on.
I had a write scheduled today that I moved because I’m still not feeling well and need the energy to go drive. This makes me sad. I’m also sad that I have an interview with a pizza delivery place today. I’m thinking of bailing on it. I don’t know what the right decision is there.
I actually followed up with the other places that I had interview with, they still haven’t picked someone yet. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. If they wanted me wouldn’t they have just picked me? Who knows.
I’m tired. I don’t want to do anything. But I accomplished something yesterday regardless, and I think that counts for something.
Today, I backed out of a job interview.
I realized that delivering pizzas wasn’t going to get me anywhere, and was basically my DoorDashing job without the flexibility. I’ve been dreading this interview all week, and as the minutes ticked down I realized it wasn’t going to be right for me.
I know I need money, but I also need enough money, and I need something sustainable. I need something that’s going to last.
I’m not sure what the future holds or where I’m going to go, but I know I’m not going to stop trying. There has to be a middle ground between making enough to live and create and being free enough not to hate where I’m at.
I normally like to close these posts with something inspirational or defiantly optimistic (mainly so my real life friends and family don’t start to worry about me) but today I really don’t have much to offer. The path I’ve chosen is not always going to be inspirational. If you're going to pursue a dream, you'll need to understand this. Right now I’m not at the point where my story is a movie or a documentary. There is no orchestra playing in the background behind these difficult moments to make them feel inspiring. There’s just me, slugging my way through the mud hoping that by some stroke of luck I’ll happen upon some drier ground. Until then, all I can do is keep moving so I don't get stuck. One of the most important lessons I think I’ve ever learned is that you don’t need to be inspired or even motivated to not give up. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other one, even if you’re completely lost and in the dark. You’re moving. And if you keep moving, you’re eventually going to end up somewhere. That counts for something.