I had a bad day at the studio today.
Normally I look forward to Tuesday and Saturday nights, I get to spend hours making music. It’s supposed to be my happy place.
But today was different. Today I had to do what I had to do just to get through it.
It all started with me attempting to play some violin for my latest single. My producer had been using samples, which sounded too fake to me. Being a former player, I thought learning the lead would be no problem.
I have very little free time between my day job and other obligations/activities. Meaning I had very little time to practice before I was supposed to bring it in and record. Even right now I'm embarrassed and making excuses.
The result of this was me sounding like I’d picked up the violin three days ago (okay, that’s a bit dramatic, I still have a decent bow hold and everything, but my playing was definitely not up to par.)
This as it turns out, was a very distressing experience. I felt myself flashing back to some of the bad days that made me resent and give up the violin as a kid. I was super embarrassed, and wanted my producer to understand that somewhere in me was a good musician, that I’d been a section leader at one point, but I had to come to terms with the fact that none of that mattered now.
There is never going to be a moment it’s not frustrating when something that used to be easy as a kid feels difficult. 5th grade Brina probably could have played this in her sleep. 22-year-old Brina was sounding like a distressed old seal.
This failure, right at the beginning of my session, ended up making me hyper-aware of all my other flaws. I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry. And then, when it was time to sing, I started feeling like I was super pitchy, and shying away completely from high notes. My producer is a kind and patient person, but I had convinced myself at that moment that he was judging me and regretting ever working with me. The thoughts seemed to spiral out of control.
As an artist, as with anything in life, not every day is going to be perfect. Sometimes a victory can be just getting through the bare minimum without breaking down, and that’s what I was able to do.
I will rest up and try again another day.
“all I have to say is that this is hard work. I've worked hard for a long time, and it's not about, you know...it's not about winning. But what it's about is not giving up. If you have a dream, fight for it. There's a discipline for passion. And it's not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down or you're beaten up. It's about how many times you stand up and are brave and you keep on going.”
- Lady Gaga